Thursday, October 06, 2005
"When problems overwhelm us and sadness smothers us, where do we find the will and courage to continue?"
So, I was feeling pretty down earlier today. I seriously need to start enforcing a budget - I'm not poor, but I am unemployed and it's amazing how little things like coffee and snacks add up. (I'm fine Mom, really.) I went out shopping for my cousin's birthday present and it's become hot and sticky out again lately. I hate hot weather. I went to the library and discovered that I did have requests in, but I'd sent them to the wrong library. I sat down and read for a while quietly to relax, but then a field trip came in.
Before I'd gone to the bank and found out my balance, I'd been planning on having brunch out, but this was quickly nixed. So now I was hungry too. I decided to just f&%$ it and take the bus home, rather than walking as I usually do because it lets me think and get some exercise and listen to music. (Oh yeah, my headphones broke a couple days ago too.) While I was waiting for the bus, I realized what my problem was: I'm lonely. I am very, very lonely. I guess I'm lucky, because I'm a pretty solitary person, but I do like to have someone around on occasion. There's no more after school 'Bucks runs with Tim and Moe, no more lunches in Ricky's with Suzanne. I don't even have a little brother down the hall that I can tell to stop playing that awful racket so loud.
Anyway, I got off the bus right next to the experimental farm, and decided to walk around a bit, because I'd never been in. Well, I got bored/tired/hot/annoyed pretty fast, and I was heading back, totting up everything wrong about me and all the wrongs I'd ever done in my head, when I saw a caterpillar. It was very fuzzy - orange and black - and moving along at an astonishing pace. I was walking along a paved road that led through the farm, and this caterpillar was on the gravelly shoulder. And I had a little epiphany right there, just like in the White Stripes song about the squirrel. If a caterpillar can show such fortitude and dedication, why can't I? Things may not be perfect. I might only know 4 people in this town that I'm not related to. But you know what? That's double the amount I knew on Monday. And it wasn't that hard, either. I can do this.